Lessons and Plans
by Radio-Radio
Summary: 4th Season (AU.) Klinger runs for an office in Toledo to get out of the army. Radar, still adjusting to Colonel Potter, learns more about what he has by watching an arrogant CO in Post OP and Frank Burns is fraught with jealousy over the friendship Margaret is beginning with BJ.
1. Chapter 1

Corporal Radar O'Reilly was feeding his animals that afternoon. He'd smuggled some leftovers from the mess tent thanks to Igor.

"Corporal," said Frank Burns, who was just passing by, "Don't you have better things to do?"

"Major," Radar replied, "I always feed them this time of day. They're hungry."

"How do you know they are hungry, Corporal? Do they pass you a note?" Burns sarcastically replied.

"Sir," Radar answered, "Have you ever had pets?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" Burns snapped.

"Well, Sir," Radar began, "When you have pets, you get to know them. When they are hungry. When they are doing well. When they are happy."

"My daughter has a cat. Named it "Fuzzy" for some reason. That cat spends the whole day sleeping in my chair. A $200 chair and her cat leaves fur all over it. Just to spite me." Frank said.

"Major," Radar began, "Cats shed fur depending on the weather."

"Makes me no nevermind. That cat leaves the room when I walk in and there's always fur in my chair," Frank huffed.

"Sir, there are hairless cats. I've read about them," Radar noted.

"Who wants a bald cat?" Burns chomped and walked away. Once he was some distance from Radar and the animals, Radar spoke quietly, "Sorry guys. It's Major Burns. You know how he is." And went back to feeding his animals.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Klinger wore a blue dress and pearls when he walked into the Swamp.

"Pearls during the day? Fashion Feaux Pas?" Hawkeye asked.

"Who is gonna know?" Klinger replied and pulled out a newspaper, "Seems there's an opening on the Toledo School Board."

"What one always wears in such situations," BJ smiled.

"Danny Coleman was MY School Board member." Klinger began, "He got arrested for taking bribes. Of course he took bribes. What's a School Board for?"

"Education?" BJ laughed.

Hawkeye got up from his bunk and briefly looked at Klinger's newspaper, "Why mention this at all?" he asked.

"Captain," Klinger began, "that means there's a seat open from my district."

"I'm not running. King of the Crabapple Cove Beer Fest is the only office I've ever wanted," Hawkeye replied.

"Hawkeye," Klinger slowly began, "I know you aren't running. I AM."

"Have they seen a picture of you back home, lately?" BJ asked.

"Very funny, Captain," Klinger continued, "My cousin Rahim already is circulating a petition to get me on the ballot. He's already forged almost enough signatures!"

"I am starting to see where this train is going," Hawkeye grinned.

"I think I am, too," BJ replied "You run for office. Somehow, you win. Then, you figure the army HAS to let you out because you've become an important elected official."

"BJ," Klinger smiled, "You've got the right idea. And, if the Army has a rule about someone being elected, I have friends who can bribe enough of the school board to demand my return to the states to fulfill my duties."

"Klinger, how are you going to campaign from here?" Hawkeye asked.

"Got that all figured out," Klinger replied, "We're starting with posters of me in my uniform. I'll get you one to put up. My brother Robert is just two years older and looks almost exactly like me. We figure, we'll get him out for some campaign appearances."

"Let me ask an obvious question," BJ said, "How are you going to be campaigning as a soldier in Korea and be campaigning live in Toledo at the same time?"

"Captain, that's easy," Klinger said, "Robert isn't going to say he's me. But people who are hard of hearing or don't see well won't know the difference."

"I don't know, Klinger," Hawkeye said, "Sounds risky. Depending on people not to see or hear well?"

Klinger swelled up with pride, "Hawkeye, that's just a small part of the campaign. We have a lot more in the works. Max Klinger for School Board District 7 is just getting started!"


	2. Chapter 2

Margaret Houlihan was checking post op. As detail-oriented as ever, she was going over charts at the same time she was looking to make certain everything was in its' place. Men from the 63rd were recovering from a fight against Chinese soldiers. Their CO was visiting.

"Major," said Colonel Riley, "You run a tight ship, here. My men deserve the best. Seems like you are the best."

Margaret saw the smile on Colonel Riley's face. He was checking her out, not making eye contact. Riley was about 6' tall with greying hair. Looked a little like Clark Gable, minus the mustache and minus the "oomph" Gable brought to the screen. A few pounds overweight, but muscular neck. Not bad. There was Frank Burns to consider. And the fact that Colonel Riley, like Frank Burns, had a wedding ring.

"Thank you Colonel," Margaret replied carefully, "My staff works very hard. I'll pass along your kind words."

"I bet they do Major," Riley began, "I bet they do."

"Hey Colonel," one of Riley's men shouted, "You made it!"

"Of course, son," Riley answered, "Major, who would I see about a couple of days stay here. Like to be with my men as much as possible."

"Corporal O'Reilly can get you set up in the VIP tent," Margaret added.

"That tent big enough for company?" Riley's salacious grin wasn't hiding anything.

BJ had walked into post op during the conversation. The Major looked uncomfortable, and the Colonel seemed to be enjoying it.

"Who would you be expecting, Colonel?" BJ asked. Riley turned to his right to see the doctor there, "Now, I've never had the use of the VIP tent before, but I believe it's set up as a one person operation," BJ added.

Colonel Riley replied, "Doctor. I was just on my way to see your CO." Riley was now the one uncomfortable.

"Major," BJ began, "Can I see you for a minute about one of our patients?" BJ walked to the far end of post Op. Margaret followed.

At that, Colonel Riley left.

"Thanks, Captain," Margaret said quietly.

"No problem," BJ smiled.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Klinger was in Colonel Potter's office, with a large poster of the corporal in uniform and looking very serious.

"Is this a Halloween gift? It's a bit early?" Potter remarked.

"No sir!" Klinger replied, "I'm running for the 7th District for the Toledo School Board."

"I don't know that anyone else here is registered in Toledo…" Potter began.

"Colonel," Klinger responded, "I'm not registered to vote in Toledo, either. And I voted four times in the last election!"

"Klinger," Colonel Potter began, "What are you up to this time? You know I'm not going to give you a pass to make campaign appearances."

Klinger smiled, "Sir. It's simple. I get elected to District 7 and if the Army won't let me go, I'll have some pretty powerful friends on that board that will make sure I can go home."

"And I'm sure you have plenty of friends in low places back in Toledo to help that happen," Potter smiled.

"Colonel," Klinger grinned, "You have to admit, I've had some pretty creative ideas on getting out of the Army."

Potter grinned back, "Max, the one thing they've all had in common is that they didn't work."

"Colonel Potter," Klinger said, "You've just gotta have faith."

Potter nodded his head, "I do, son. I do."

As Klinger proudly left the office, Frank Burns came in.

"Colonel Potter," he began, "I need to speak to you."

"Burns, what is it this time? Hawkeye put raisins in your oatmeal and tell you they were flies?" Potter stiffened.

"No, Colonel," Frank stammered, "it's about Corporal O'Reilly and his animals."

"They attack you?" Potter asked.

"Sir. As previous CO, here, I feel like it's my duty to tell you that Corporal O'Reilly is wasting time with pets. Pets in a war zone, sir?" Burns responded.

"Burns," Potter replied evenly, "Those animals matter to Radar. It helps him keep his sanity and it DOES not take him away from his military duties. As far as a war zone is concerned, I've seen men with everything from insects to cats. It's none of your concern."

"Colonel Potter," Burns began.

Potter was swift and decisive, "Burns, we're not going to discuss this any further."

Frank had a frown, turned, and huffily left the office.

"Every time he leaves here, I feel better," Potter said to himself.


	3. Chapter 3

Radar made it back to his desk, just as Major Burns left. Then, Colonel Riley came in.

"You- O'Reilly?" Colonel Riley snipped.

"Yes Sir" Radar stood up.

"I want the VIP tent and I want it now," The colonel demanded.

"Colonel, we have a Major Reese coming in tomorrow. Going to be observing our doctors. He's reserved the VIP tent," Radar responded.

"Corporal," Riley spoke loudly, "He may be a Major. I'm a Colonel. I'm commandeering the VIP tent. Find Reese another place."

"Sir, I'd have to…" Radar began.

"Corporal," Riley shouted, "You're going to tell me you need to check with your CO, aren't you?"

"Colonel, I have to get Colonel Potter's ok," Radar meekly said.

"Let's go see him right now," demanded Riley, who then walked into Potter's office, Radar a couple of steps behind.

"Colonel Potter," Riley began, "I'm Colonel Riley. You've got some of my men here and I want to stay a couple of days to check on them. I'm told the VIP tent is not available."

"That's right. Major Reese of the 8063 is going to observe our doctors for a couple of days…" Potter began.

"Potter," Riley spoke forcefully, "I would like to commandeer that tent."

"Colonel Riley," Potter said, "It doesn't work that way. I can't just "bump" Major Reese because you want his tent."

"I have wounded men, here, Colonel. And I plan to stay a couple of days to check up on them and make certain they are alright. What's more important than that?" Riley responded.

"Riley," Potter spoke evenly, "It's admirable that you care so much about your men. But, we're not a hotel," Potter's voice raised, "You can bunk in the Swamp with the doctors if you'd like, or, perhaps Rose's has a room."

"This is unacceptable," Riley stated, "I'm a Commanding Officer."

"As am I. At this very unit. Major Reese is getting the VIP tent, Colonel," Potter said, slowly.

"Fine," Riley spat and stomped out of the room.

A couple of seconds passed. Colonel Potter and Radar exchanged glances.

"Son, I've got a feeling he's going to be more trouble," Potter said, "He's what we might call a first class jackass. One of those officers who thinks his brass shines brighter than the sun…But not here. You see anything he does that's out of line, you let me know." 

"Yes Sir, Colonel," Radar replied.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Margaret and BJ had left post op and were walking to her tent.

"You don't have to walk me to my door, Captain," she said.

"Think of it as insurance. That Colonel Riley is a piece of work," BJ said.

"Yes," Margaret laughed, "He is that."

They stopped at her tent. BJ turned and walked to the Swamp and Margaret entered her tent.

Frank Burns was sitting on her bed, "I heard that," he said.

"Frank, what are you doing here?" she replied.

"I was going to surprise you, dear. But, it appears you enjoy time with Hunnicutt, now," Burns spoke.

"Frank, he did me a favor…." She began

"What other favors has he done for you?" Frank replied angrily.

"Frank. What's gotten into you?" Margaret searched Frank's face.

"If you are going to galavant with every Tom, Dick and Hunnicut in camp, you clearly don't want me around," Burns retorted.

"I'm tired, Frank," she said, "Just go."

"Any idiot, including me, can see you and Hunnicut are carrying on. It's disgusting. He's a married man!" Burns' voice rose.

"So are you, Frank," Margaret said firmly, "Go."

"Fine. Don't come crawling to me later," Frank began; then, his voice turned into a whine, "Margaret, I can come crawling to you, instead."

"Frank," Margaret said, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."


	4. Chapter 4

BJ and Hawkeye were having lunch in the mess tent.

"I'm not sure what this is," Hawkeye pointed to what looked like creamed corn, "It's either creamed corn or an engine part from a Packard."

"I tried a little," BJ responded, "Seems like a mixture of both. My father in law has a Packard and I felt like I was eating something that might have come from a radiator hose. But with a bit of corn taste."

Margaret sat down next to BJ, "Captains, may I join you?"

"Major," Hawkeye grinned, "Join BJ, if you'd like. I've got to check in at post op." Hawkeye rose and left.

BJ and Margaret ate in silence for a few minutes.

Then, BJ reached into his pocket and pulled out a photograph, "Margaret," he began, "This is my daughter, Erin."

Margaret looked at the picture and smiled, "She's beautiful."

"Thanks," BJ replied, "It's all her mother. She looks just like Peg. I couldn't imagine anything better."

"You must miss them, terribly," Margaret looked at BJ with concern.

"Every minute of every day. There are no good days, here. But, on the very worst, after hours of surgery." BJ concentrated, "I can still look at pictures of Peg and Erin and know who I'll be coming back to. It makes me appreciate them more than ever."

Margaret nodded, "I can see why."

"I'll bet Hawkeye was only in post op long enough to ask Nurse Collins what she was doing tonight," BJ grinned.

"I should talk to her," Margaret answered.

"About what?" BJ asked.

"Captain Pierce. The nurses fall in love with him - and it complicates things," Margaret said.

"Major. Hawkeye isn't a problem. He may enjoy female company at a rate I've never seen, but, we're in the middle of a war. The nurses seem to enjoy his company, too. A little warmth in a very cold place between two consenting adults doesn't sound like a problem, does it?" BJ looked at Margaret.

"Major Burns and I are just friends," Margaret replied evenly.

"Margaret, I was only speaking about Hawkeye. What you and Frank do or don't do is none of my business," BJ spoke a little more strongly.

"Captain, what my nurses do IS my business," Margaret challenged.

"Margaret, you're great with the nurses. What they do on their own time is your business, too?" BJ asked.

"Captain, that's none of your concern," Margaret replied, angrily.

"Major. I'm not telling you how to run your nurses," BJ replied, "I just think any sanity people may find here is a gift, not an area for concern."

Margaret calmed, "Sanity. Here?"

"Klinger seem to be the only one claiming insanity," BJ replied, "You'd think there'd be more."

"Klinger," Margaret exclaimed, "He spends more on women's clothing than all of the women in my unit, combined."

"Rumor is that he's running for an office back home to get out of the army," BJ smiled.

"How can he get away with that?" Margaret asked.

"I don't think he's getting away with anything, yet. Colonel Potter knows how to handle him," BJ stated, "Klinger is running for a vacant seat on the Toledo board of education."

Margaret started to laugh," You're kidding!"

"Nope," BJ grinned.

Both were laughing. Frank Burns walked up to the table and sat down.

"What's so funny?" Burns asked.

"The Toledo School Board Election," BJ said evenly. Margaret giggled.

"That's funny? Hunnicut, you must have spent too much time at the still, today," Burns replied.

"Frank," BJ said, "I think I might go and do that, now. You could join me."

"Hah," Frank said, "Your still is a disgrace. If I were in command, it would be long gone."

"Well, Frank," BJ stood up and grabbed his tray, "Since you are not in command, I think we're going to need it for awhile."

Margaret giggled.

Frank just stared at Margaret as BJ walked out of the mess tent.


	5. Chapter 5

Klinger was standing right outside the mess tent, dressed in his Class A uniform. As each person walked in, he'd shake his/her hand and say, "Max Klinger, Toledo School Board Candidate for District 7. I'd appreciate your vote!"

"Next step in your campaign?" asked Hawkeye.

"Captain, I know there aren't any voters for me here," Klinger grinned, "But come re-election time, I'll be ready to make a great impression on the voters back home!"

"How long are you going to wear that Class A uniform?" Hawkeye responded.

"Just until lunch is over," Klinger smiled, "I've got to get back into my civvies, and I've got the perfect dress for dinner."

"You are a man of style for every season," Hawkeye grinned and walked away.

"Whether it's for an election for a section 8, I dress for the occasion," Klinger yelled to Hawkeye as the Captain was leaving.

Colonel Potter had wandered over to where Klinger was standing.

"How goes the campaign, Son?" he asked.

"Colonel, as we speak, I'm already moving up! District 7 is a Democratic District. There were 4 candidates running, but one of them died at a poker game, so I'm now in 3rd place!" Klinger enthused.

"Max, I hate to interrupt your efforts. But, there's no campaigning on Military Bases or Units," Potter replied, "You can make posters, but you can't put them up. You can write as many letters as you want back home about the campaign. But, you cannot go out and campaign yourself."

Klinger looked discouraged, "Colonel, I just put two dozen posters all over camp!"

"Actually, Max, it's 23. I took down the one you'd posted outside my office," Colonel Potter replied, "You'll need to take the others down, Pronto!"

"Sir, can't you just "bend" the rules? I'm not causing any trouble," Klinger asked.

"Sorry, son," Potter said evenly, "Those are military rules, not mine. In all my years in this man's army, I've never seen a candidate run for office on a military installation. I can't make an exception for that, now."

"How do I run a campaign from here if I can't campaign?" Klinger asked.

"Max, those are the rules. Now, if you wanted to make a phone call back home to discuss campaign strategy for back home – well, I can't stop that if I don't know about it," Potter smiled.

"Colonel, my Colonel, I guess I won't be calling my cousin Otto back home tomorrow at 3am," Klinger replied.

"That's between you and Radar. I'm not normally up at 3am, so I wouldn't know," Potter answered.


	6. Chapter 6

Colonel Riley was in Post Op, sitting next to Private Nelson, one of his men.

"Private," he exclaimed as he hit Nelson in the back, "Glad you made it, son." Then, Nelson stood up.

Nelson meekly replied, "So am I, sir. They say I'll be out of here in a couple of days."

Owens, who was next to Nelson whispered, "Why tell him that? It isn't true."

"It's what he wants to hear," Nelson replied.

Riley walked around his men, "Gentlemen, I am proud of each and every one of you. I'd.."

Radar had walked in while Riley was speaking. The Corporal had a thick envelope in his right hand.

"Corporal, what do you want?" Riley thundered.

"Sir," Radar stammered, "This package just came for you. I was told to get it to you right away," and handed the package to Riley.

"Corporal," Riley shouted, "I'm in the middle of something. Don't you have common sense?"

"Sir," Radar's voice was just above was whisper, "It's from ICOR. I was told to give it to you as soon as possible."

"O'Reilly," The Colonel glared, "Don't you know there's a place and time for everything? I was talking to my men when you interrupted."

"Colonel, I'm sorry," said Radar, "I can put this over in the corner."

"While you are at it, put yourself out of here, Corporal," Riley sneered.

Radar put the package on a corner table and rushed out of Post Op.

Hawkeye had come into post op just as Radar had arrived. He'd seen the way Riley had reacted to Radar.

"Colonel?" Hawkeye asked, "Can I see you a minute?"

"You're the doctor," Riley answered.

Hawkeye led Riley to the far part of the room and spoke in a very low voice.

"Colonel. I'm glad you care enough to see your men. They're important to you, aren't they?"

"Damn right, they are," Riley replied.

"Colonel, Radar O'Reilly is important to us," Hawkeye replied, "This place may be Hell; if Radar wasn't out company clerk it would be Hell Plus. He's just trying to do his job and he's damn good at it.

Please just let him do it."

"I'll think about it," Riley answered, "Captain, I'll think about it. Your company clerk may be of help to you, but he sure doesn't know how to treat a VIP."

"Colonel, visiting hours are over," Hawkeye said, "Your men need their rest and I need to make sure they get it.

"Visiting hours? When did a MASH have visiting hours?" Riley asked.

"Sir," Hawkeye responded, "You have your job. I have mine. Let me do mine now."

"Any chance you might ease up on visiting hours?" Riley inquired.

"I'll think about it," said Hawkeye, who then ignored the Colonel and went to check on the men recovering in the OR.


	7. Chapter 7

3AM in the Company Clerk's office.

"Radar," Klinger said, "I appreciate your help with the campaign. Once I'm elected, you could work on my staff!"

Barely awake, Radar worked to get the connection to Toledo. Seoul to Tokyo to Hawaii to San Francisco to Kansas City to Toledo, "Klinger, I just want to sleep."

"No problem, Radar," Klinger grinned, "That's what most of my staff will be doing."

A hiss, a click and then Radar said, "Toledo? Need the number of an Otto Klinger…." He could hear the phone ringing, "Mr. Klinger – this is Corporal O'Reilly with the MASH 4077th and I have…" Before Radar could finish, Otto asked for Max Klinger. Radar handed the radio to him.

"Otto! How's the weather?" Klinger asked. Radar didn't know how long the connection would last. Only that he'd have to stay awake until then.

"500 posters? Great. My brother has made a dozen appearances…Got some dirt on Watkins?...A recorded message….Oh, you've got a tape recorder, there. This is Max Klinger. Toledo School Board Candidate. I think that…Otto?...We're losing the connection? You're still recording? How are Ma and Pa? Good. I miss all of you. Just hearing that Toledo static reminds me of listening to Mud Hen games on the radio…Seems like the line is more clear. Max Klinger. Toledo School Board. I'm serving the country in Korea right now…Radar, it's starting to fade out!"

Radar took the radio from Klinger and worked with the dials on the board, "It's a little better Klinger, but we're going to lose the line."

Klinger got back on the radio, "Speech? Otto, I'm not good at making speeches. When I was in 8th grade…You can edit the recording and get a speech from this? Wow, I knew stealing those razor blades would pay off…What?.. Otto, you are fading out. Use what you've got on Watkins...Otto? Otto?...Damn. We lost the connection." He handed the radio back to Radar.

"Sorry, Klinger," Radar yawned as he spoke.

"My cousin Otto says he can edit the recording and turn it into a speech! Hope he can get it on a radio station," Klinger replied, yawning.

"I can send a telegram to Otto, right?" Klinger asked.

"Yes. Now?" Radar asked.

"No. I can think of something after I get some sleep. Otto says he's got some dirt on Watkins, the guy who is just ahead of me in the polls. We Klingers are like shovels – we get the dirt and make good use of it!" Klinger grinned.

"You really think you can win and get home?" Radar asked.

"For sure, Radar," Klinger replied, "We get Watkins out of the race and it's just me and McCormick. He's lost EVERY election he's been in!"

"Good luck with the campaign, Klinger. I need to get some sleep," said Radar.

"No problem," Klinger exhorted, "I could use a little shuteye, too."

Klinger then handed Radar one of this campaign posters, "Colonel Potter made me take them all down. Here's a souvenir for you."

Radar looked at the poster, "You autographed it?"

"Movie stars, Sports stars. Important people, are always signing things for the public," Klinger noted, "You have the first signed Klinger!"


	8. Chapter 8

BJ, Hawkeye, Frank, Margaret and Colonel Potter were sharing a table in the mess tent.

"This isn't toast," Hawkeye looked at his plate, "It looks like a missing piece from a highway."

"Then, don't eat the toast, Hawkeye," Colonel Potter replied.

"Colonel," Frank began, "I must complain."

"Must you, Frank? It's only breakfast," BJ interrupted. Frank frowned at him.

"Colonel Potter," Frank started, "I believe Corporal Klinger is wasting valuable time and resources in this ridiculous 'campaign' of his."

Colonel Potter looked directly at Burns, "Major. Even if he is, so what? No one's getting harmed in the process. What's it to you?"

Burns stammered, "Colonel Potter. Military regulations…"

Potter interrupted Burns, "Major. I knew what the military regulations were when you were still having to take a school bus. Anything else?"

Burns was defeated, "No sir."

"BJ, Hawkeye, would you please join me in the office? I wanted to discuss Colonel Riley and his men with you." Potter said.

"I ate half the eggs…or what I think were eggs. Now I won't get to find out if there's a prize inside," Hawkeye gleamed.

Colonel Potter rose from the table, "Majors." BJ and Hawkeye followed as Colonel Potter returned his tray and left the mess tent.

"Well, Margaret," Burns said, "You aren't following Hunnicut. Have a lover's spat?"

"Frank," Margaret responded, "Why must you bring this up, again?"

"Margaret," Frank began, "Far be it from me to interfere in a blossoming relationship…."

Margaret looked Burns in the eyes, "Frank. I told you, BJ and I were just talking. I talk to a number of people in camp during the day. Does that mean I'm in a "blossoming relationship" with all of them?"

"Of course not. Margaret, I trust you. Hunnicut is a slightly less annoying version of Pierce. Degenerate." Frank exclaimed.

"You can't be jealous of every man I have a conversation with," Margaret said in a low voice.

"I can too," Frank began, "We have such a wonderful, ah, friendship."

"We have, Frank," Margaret noted, "But it can only continue if you trust me. You trust me, now, don't you Frank?"

"Of course, I trust you," Frank replied energetically, "I just don't trust all the lowlifes you deal with."

Margaret stood up, "I've got to get to Post Op. I'll see you later, Major."

"Yes, Major," Frank was a bit too formal.

As Margaret left the table, Radar sat down with his breakfast.

"What do you want, four eyes?" Frank asked.

"Sir," Radar replied, "Just having breakfast. I was delivering mail."

Frank looked around the half filled tent, and then studied the table he and Radar shared.

"Corporal," he asked, "was there a package for me?"

Radar had several letters he'd left on Frank's bed and told him so. Burns paused, and then glared at Radar, "My package should have been here days ago."

"Sir," Radar looked at Burns, "I only can deliver what we get."

"I know that," Burns said sarcastically.

"Major," Radar offered, "If you can give some information on what you are expecting, I can make a few calls and see where the package might be."

"You little snert," Frank stood up, "You just want to know what's in the package. None of your beeswax."

"I was just trying to help, Major," Radar looked up at Frank.

"Sure you were. Curiosity killed the cat. Remember that!" Burns snarled and stomped off.

Klinger sat down at the table, "What's with him?"

"He's just Major Burns," Radar replied.

"May the fleas of a million camels infest his armpits," Klinger smiled. He and Radar began laughing.


	9. Chapter 9

Colonel Potter sat at his desk. Hawkeye and BJ faced him across the desk.

"I know you've both have run-ins with Colonel Riley, and he jumped down Radar's throat for no reason, too." Colonel Potter spoke, "So, I put in a call to ICOR to get more information on him. General Rice says Riley can be a hothead, but he's a capable commander. Apparently, takes care of his men. The visit to the 4077th is nothing new."

"I feel like there's a 'but' or 'however' coming," BJ replied.

"Just got turned down for a promotion for the 2nd time. According to General Rice, Riley's temper is the problem. Feel like he can do the job in the field, but no more than that. From what I've seen, I'd have to say General Rice is right on point," Potter replied.

"General Patton had a temper, didn't he?" BJ asked.

"He did. Met him a couple of times. Could be the nicest guy in the world or the biggest SOB you've ever met. But, Patton could work with the higher ups when he had to. Riley seems to lack that skill," Potter replied.

"Colonel, he takes it out on us because there is no one else available?" Hawkeye asked.

"Pierce, that's it. He visits his men and truly cares about their health. He just makes it a living hell for the medical staff. That's another reason he hasn't been promoted," Colonel Potter responded evenly, "Same story for the 8063rd and the 80 double nickel."

"What would you like us to do, Colonel?" Hawkeye responded.

Colonel Potter looked at Hawkeye, "Colonel Riley is in danger of being demoted because of his behavior. If he gets out of line, let me know. I've seen his type before."

"Colonel," BJ began, "So, we just turn it over to you?"

"That's right, Hunnicut," Colonel Potter explained, "I don't want the man wreaking havoc just because I'm not in the room. Damn it, we have wounded to tend to. Just have someone find me."

BJ and Hawkeye got up to leave, when Hawkeye asked, "What about Radar?"

Colonel Potter answered, "Boys, keep an eye out for him. Radar is not going to complain about Riley; the boy just does what he can to help."

"Seems like Radar drew the short end of the straw," BJ acknowledged.

"No," Potter was forceful, "Riley has. I'll kick him right out of the 4077th if he bullies Radar."

"Ok, Colonel," BJ said. Hawkeye and BJ left the office.

Potter was glad he had officers like Pierce and Hunnicut; these were men who were terrific doctors, first and foremost, and they cared about the people they worked with. They'd keep an eye out for Radar.


	10. Chapter 10

Klinger had guard duty. He was glad he had an outfit for the occasion. Nothing went with a rifle better than a peasant blouse and a skirt.

"Captains," he said as BJ and Hawkeye went by.

Daytime guard duty usually meant just seeing the men and women of the 4077th come and go. Klinger's mind drifted to his School Board race. He wondered if they'd get Watkins "pushed out" in time for the election. Watkins was the one who could win, but Klinger's relatives were doing all they could to stop it. Wondered what "dirt" they had on Watkins. Had to be pretty good, or Otto never would have mentioned it.

"Corporal," yelled Colonel Riley, "What are you doing?"

"I'm wearing out a good pair of heels," Klinger replied, "What's it to you?"

"I'm Colonel Riley," came the answer, "Why aren't you in uniform?"

"I always wear something like this during daytime guard duty. Very comfortable," Klinger smiled.

"Corporal, are you trying to be funny?" Riley demanded.

"No sir," Klinger replied, "I'm told that the blouse, skirt and shoes go very well together. Wouldn't want to be unseemly during the daytime."

"Does your CO know what you're wearing, Corporal," Riley's temper was rising.

"Colonel Potter has seen me in this outfit before. Even complimented me on it. What a nice guy!" Klinger grinned.

"I want you to change into a regulation uniform. And, right now," Colonel Riley was turning red.

"Can't help you, sir. I'd be deserting my post. Wouldn't want to get in trouble," Klinger exclaimed.

"You are a disgrace. I'll put you on report and give your CO a piece of my mind. If he's allowing this sort of nonsense, he'll be hearing about it," Riley stood closer to Klinger.

"Colonel Riley, Sir," Klinger began, "Have a wonderful meeting with Colonel Potter!"

"This place," Riley muttered, "What the hell is going on here?"

Riley walked away and Klinger continued on his patrol. He came across Radar, who was feeding his animals.

Klinger greeted Radar and stopped by.

"You've got some hungry ones, there," he smiled.

"I know. I want to make sure they get good food," Radar replied.

"Good food, here? Might need to find the nearest Deli," Klinger added.

"It's the best food I can get for them here. Back in Iowa, they could have fresh vegetables," Radar nodded.

"Radar," Klinger asked, "Have you run into Colonel Riley?"

Radar put Bongo back in his cage and then answered, "Yes, I have."

"He just tried to read me the riot act because of what I was wearing," Klinger noted, "Really seems to have a temper."

"He does," Radar spoke in a low voice, "He yelled at me for giving him something from ICOR and for not giving him the VIP tent – and the tent was already taken. Colonel Potter told him so."

"Why's he here?" Klinger asked.

"He has injured men in Post Op and he's been visiting them," Radar stated.

"Next time he visits his men, I'll have to wear something extra special. Wouldn't want to be seen in these clothes twice this week," Klinger said.

"I know," Radar said, "You only wear that outfit when you have daytime guard duty."


	11. Chapter 11

Colonel Potter was at his desk, filling out daily reports. War or peace, the Army had a variety of forms that needed completing. He had often wondered if anybody had read all of this paperwork. Maybe it just got filed away. Didn't matter, though, they wanted the forms when they wanted them. A little quiet and he could get a fair amount done.

"Colonel Potter," Colonel Riley marched into the office.

"Yes, Colonel?" Potter inquired.

"I just saw Corporal Klinger. Wearing women's clothing while on guard duty!" Riley exclaimed.

"Probably that Peasant Blouse and Skirt outfit. Likes to wear that when he's on daytime guard duty," Potter mused.

"So, you are aware of his actions, and you approve of them?" Riley questioned.

"Colonel. I am aware of his actions. He's bucking for a Section 8. Problem is – he's sane. The skirt and blouse is his way of trying to get that Section 8. He's a good medic. Not concerned about what he wears if it keeps him from going AWOL," Potter was not in the mood for this.

"The MPs could arrest him," Riley suggested.

"Probably not the ones around here. They know Klinger, already. Like most, they like him," Potter had a slight smile, "Radar, please come in here," he shouted as the Company Clerk was already making his way into the office.

Radar sat down with a pad and pen, "I'm ready, sir."

Colonel Potter added, "Figured you would be. Sounds like Colonel Riley wants to swear out a complaint against Klinger."

"Swear out a complaint? You'll do nothing more?" Riley insisted.

"We'll forward the complaint to ICOR," Radar began, "It usually takes 2 days for them to get it."

Riley turned to Radar and started down at him, "Shut up!"

"Colonel," Potter interjected, "You sure get angry fast."

"Colonel Potter," Riley began.

"Colonel," Potter continued, "This is MY outfit. We have a wonderfully high survival rate. That's because everyone in this unit, a Company Clerk or a Cross Dressing Guard, does their job and cares about the wounded. If Klinger was truly disruptive, I'd gotten the MPs to take him away long ago."

"As far as I am concerned, Colonel," Riley interrupted.

"Doesn't matter how you are concerned. Riley, you've upset my company clerk, head nurse, and others. And, as it turns out, YOU are the one who is truly disruptive, Can't have that here. That ICOR information from Radar included a request from General Rice. For you to report to ICOR, ASAP. Guess you haven't read it. Fortunately, General Rice made a carbon copy for my files. I can read it in detail, if you'd like." Potter said.

"That won't be necessary, Colonel. I'll pack and be on my way," Riley whined, and then left the office.

Radar started to leave the office when Colonel Potter asked him to come back.

"Son, I know you and I don't know each other well, yet. There are always folks like "Colonel Riley" around. When you run into them, please tell me. You do a great job here, you are conscientious and very respectful. I'd go through a brick wall to make certain no one was causing you trouble."

"Thank you, sir, I really appreciate knowing that," Radar replied.

"Learned it a long time ago, back in WWI. Take care of the people under your wing. It's not just the smart thing to do, it's the right thing to do," Potter concluded.

"Yes, sir!" Radar smiled at Potter and went back to his desk.


	12. Chapter 12

Frank Burns had been following Margaret around camp. Now, she was heading for the Swamp. Burns panicked, "What if she's coming to see me?"

He looked around – didn't seem like anyone was watching him. Then, he realized he could come in a minute or so after Margaret got there. Could say he saw her heading there, which was true. He slowed his walk, making certain he wasn't seen. He wasn't quite looking where he was going – his right foot kicked a trash can and knocked it over.

"Rats," Burns said.

"Major Burns, that's what we'll get if you keep kicking the trash around," came a voice. Frank turned around and saw Colonel Potter, just staring at him.

"Sorry, Colonel…I'll pick it up," Burns was nervous.

"Glad you can handle trash," Potter began, "Couldn't think of a better man for the job." Colonel Potter turned and walked towards Father Mulcahy's tent.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Margaret had walked into the Swamp. BJ was reading a letter, while Hawkeye browsed through the pages of a magazine.

Frank was not there, she realized.

"Major, can we help you?" Hawkeye asked.

Margaret was briefly silent.

"If you are looking for the mess tent, this place is a mess," BJ laughed.

"No," she replied, "I was looking for Major Burns."

"Good to know someone is," Hawkeye replied.

"Captain, I need to speak to the Major on a medical matter," Margaret replied.

"Margaret, anything I can help with?" BJ asked.

"It's one of Major Burns' patients. There are notes on progress, but I can't read them. I can tell from the handwriting that Major Burns wrote it," She replied, uncertainly.

BJ wasn't certain if she had a medical concern, or might be fumbling through an excuse to see Frank.

"We doctors aren't known for our handwriting. You know, "First, do no harm. Second, make certain no one else can read what we write. I could take a look, if it would help," BJ smiled.

"I appreciate that, Captain. It's Private Reardon. I can't make out Major Burns' instructions," Margaret replied, seeming more at ease.

Frank Burns walked in.

"Major Houlihan, what a surprise!" he faked.

"Major Burns," Margaret responded, evenly.

"I was just going to look at one of your patients, Frank," BJ stated.

"You're just going to try and find something wrong. There's nothing wrong," Frank snapped.

"Nothing wrong with whom, Frank?" Hawkeye began.

Burns was stuck for a response.

"Frank, Margaret asked me for help with one of your patients. She just wanted me to see if I could make out your handwriting – so she'd know what had to be done, next," BJ noted.

"Major," Burns began, "I'd be happy to help you. Since I wrote it, I'm sure I can figure it out better than Hunnicut."

"Frank," Hawkeye grinned, "Still trying to figure things out? I would have thought those extra 3 years of medical school might have done the job."

"Stuff it, Pierce," Frank replied.

Margaret was leaving the Swamp and invited Major Burns to join her. They left. Once they'd gotten out of earshot, Frank grabbed Margaret's right arm.

"Had to go see Hunnicut, didn't you?" He said.

"Frank," Margaret began, "I was looking for you. Where were you?"

"A likely story," Burns whined, "You just want to spend more time with the wonderful Captain Hunnicut,"

"I couldn't make out your notes. Frank, you know you don't write them neatly. And I needed to find out what the orders were for Private Reardon," Margaret said, a little anger coming into her voice.

"Private Reardon…He's one of my patients!" Frank stared at Margaret.

"Yes, Frank. He is. If you want to waste my time with your ridiculous accusations about Captain Hunnicut, stow it." Margaret said, her face getting red.

"No, dear," Frank's voice was very soft, "Of course, I want to help you!"

"Then, move it. We need to get to Post Op," Margaret commanded.

Frank Burns followed her like a puppy. 


	13. Chapter 13

Klinger re-read the telegram. Otto had come through! Watkins, as it turned out, didn't LIVE in the district, so he'd withdrawn. With a week to go, it was a 2 person race. McCormick was only ahead by 8 points, and was campaigning hard against Klinger. Otto said McCormick was pointing out Klinger's lack of experience, qualifications or even a college degree. Dirty trick-especially because all those were true. However, Otto was already getting the Klinger team out to fight back. He'd had a poster made with a list of all 6 elections McCormick had lost – with the slogan, "If the voters didn't trust him before, why should they trust him now?" Klinger admitted that it was a good start. Otto had gone a step further by getting ads with the same slogan onto the radio. In the past, McCormick's record of losing had been an issue for other candidates to defeat him. Maybe it would work again!

"Ah, Toledo politics at their finest," Klinger smiled.

"What did you say?" asked Radar.

"Never mind, kid," Klinger said, "Thanks for bringing me the telegram so quickly!"

"Good news, Klinger?" Radar asked.

"The best, Radar, the best," Klinger smiled, "I'm in a two person race with a 6 time loser. McCormick doesn't stand a chance!"

"I'd vote for you if I could," Radar replied.

"Don't worry, Radar. With the Klinger team at the polls, you'll have voted for me at least 4 or 5 times," Klinger effused.

"Well, I don't know how that works," Radar began, "I'm glad I could help."

Colonel Potter walked into Radar's work area.

"Radar, I need to see those other forms for today. We've got to get them done," Potter said.

"Yes, Colonel," Radar answered, "I can bring those in right away."

"Klinger, you look happy." Potter stated.

"You are looking at the next member of the Toledo School Board. Ready to go home and be of service," Klinger noted.

"Well, son, you never know how the electoral process may go," Potter began.

"Colonel Potter, my family and friends are handling that part for me right now. I've got one man left to beat, and he's a six time loser," Klinger replied.

"Just the two of you?" Potter asked.

"Yes, Colonel. My opponent has lost in six straight elections. This will be lucky seven!" Klinger laughed.

Potter thought for a moment, then said, "Good luck, son!" and the beckoned Radar to come into his office with the forms. Radar stood across Colonel Potter's desk and handed each one.

They heard the outside door close. Klinger had gone.

"Radar," Colonel Potter asked, "I need to make a call to the states. Need to speak to Dr. Robert Nolan in Toledo."

"Sir, you may need to make the call at 2 in the morning." Radar replied.

"I'll drink plenty of coffee. Set the call up, Radar, I need to speak to Dr. Nolan as soon as I can," Potter answered.

"Sir, who is Dr. Nolan?" Radar asked.

"He and I served together in WWI. I went the Army Doctor route, and Bob went the civilian route. Very successful dermatologist in Toledo. Plenty of teenage acne to work on," Potter smiled, "He's also active in the Toledo Chamber of Commerce. Need to find out what's really going in that election Klinger's trying to win," Potter said.

"Could Klinger really win this election?" Radar began.

"That's what I need to find out from Bob. He knows the political players in both parties. Bob can let me know if Klinger's latest scheme is just that – or if he actually could wind up as a member of the School Board."

"Colonel," Radar remarked, "Klinger seems very confident."

"Radar, he's always confident that his latest "get out of the army" scheme will work. I admire the man's persistence. So far, nothing he's done has worked. Bob can tell me if that streak will continue, "Colonel Potter answered. 


	14. Chapter 14

The following morning, Colonel Potter, Radar, BJ and Hawkeye shared a table in the mess tent.

"General Rice called this morning," Potter began, "gave me an update on Colonel Riley."

"Please continue, Colonel, "BJ added.

"You'll be glad to know that Colonel Riley is now Major Riley. He's going stateside to help with troop training. General Rice said that Riley would probably do better in a more structured setting. So, he's going to Fort Dix," Colonel Potter replied.

"Fort Dix?" Hawkeye asked.

"More Generals there than anyplace except the Pentagon. Riley will have to watch his step," Potter smiled.

"Sounds good, Colonel," BJ started, "Maybe he'll learn something."

"Either that, or he'll get a "General Discharge," if you get my drift," Potter laughed.

Corporal Klinger came to the table and sat down. He was wearing a green dress.

"Klinger, isn't that more of a dinner gown?" Hawkeye asked.

"It's the mess tent, Hawkeye, other than lousy, how are any meals different?" Klinger replied.

"We come in hungry and always leave disappointed. Imagine a restaurant having that slogan!" Hawkeye smiled.

"Max," Colonel Potter asked, "How goes the campaign?"

"Sir," Klinger was very enthusiastic, "Otto sent me a telegram. I'm only 3 points down!"

"You must be familiar with the intersection of Reynolds and South Avenue," Potter said.

"Yes sir. The 7th district begins right there," Klinger smiled, "Just south of that intersection."

"What district is north of that intersection?" Potter asked.

"That would be the 6th, Sir," Klinger responded, "Why all the questions?"

"Max, you aren't eligible to run in the 7th district," Colonel Potter explained, "I spoke to an old army buddy in Toledo last night."

"Sir?" Klinger was stunned.

"Apparently, your campaign team got a lot of signatures from people living on Hill Avenue. North of South Avenue. That would be enough to qualify you – except all those signatures are for the 6th district, not the 7t," Potter spoke slowly.

"You're kidding, sir," Klinger looked worried.

"Wish I was, son," Potter continued, "your campaign neglected to see that the district boundaries had changed. Hill Avenue WAS in District 7 for the last election; since then, it has been moved to District 6."

"I can't win. McCormick never wins!" Klinger pouted.

"Looks like he will this time," Potter answered, "But, you already have more than half the signatures needed to run in District 6 in two years."

"Two years!" Klinger shouted, "Two more years! I don't even live in District 6."

"Sorry, son," Potter gently replied, "Looks like you'll be sitting out this election."

"Ah, the Democratic process," Hawkeye spoke.

"Or, Republican," BJ added.

"That's it!" Klinger began, "There's a Republican City Council seat up for grabs next year. I can switch parties and get my relatives to make certain I'm on the right ballot this time. I'd better start working on this, now. Can't start early enough…" Klinger ended and left quickly.

"Another wild goose chase…." Potter said.

"Colonel," Hawkeye said, "It keeps him happy and out of trouble. None of his plans to get out of here ever work!"

"True enough," Potter added.

"Besides," Hawkeye said, "If Klinger can win a City Council seat in Toledo, I'll just run for Town Council in Crabapple Cove."


End file.
